Originally, this post was going to be a sad one about loss, four of them to be exact. The pain, the heartbreak, the questions…But then there she was, looking at me and spouting off all the princesses that cover her bathroom walls. There she was, in all of her potty training glory, the one who made it.

Apparently my uterus is a dangerous place that isn’t easy to get out of, but she did. It wasn’t easy, and she almost made her appearance at only 24 weeks. We had just moved and I was all alone while my husband was settling in at his new duty station almost three hours away. 24 weeks was the furthest we’ve ever made it into a pregnancy so we were terrified. The doctors pumped me full of magnesium to give her a better chance if she came that day. It was excruciating, but it had to be done. Three magnesium treatments in a week, my whole body was on fire. Her and I fought so hard to keep her cooking, I knew her fierce soul before I ever laid eyes on her. She was a warrior, she would make it, and she did. I think about the losses before her and just know that those sweet angels were too pure for this earth, maybe their purpose was to watch over my sweet fighter and help bring her earth side. I was told she would probably be born early and I would most likely have an emergency c-section. How scary! This could very well be my only baby and I had a natural birth in mind. I spent the rest of my pregnancy on bed rest and on lock down by two wardens incredibly caring people. My mom and husband were champs taking care of me those last few months. After all of the pain and scares and losses, one cold December night, my water broke naturally and twelve hours later, there she was. I couldn’t believe she was actually alive. The first thing I said to her was “thank you for being alive.” Finally, one of them made it. I had felt her move, I had seen her in so many ultra sounds, I had seen her in my dreams, but I knew my body wasn’t easy on babies so I feared for her loss until the moment I held her. This little six pound miracle that made it out of the hell that is my reproductive system.

Since her birth, we’ve had the most devastating of losses. Pregnant again, what a blessing! Unfortunately, we lost another baby girl at 10 weeks. I had to under go another DNC surgery to remove her, the surgery had complications and I was whisked away again to surgery, this time not knowing if I would return with my uterus. The tears in my husband’s eyes as I gave the consent for an emergency hysterectomy were like daggers, my rock of a husband, that’s when he lost it. My only solace, knowing one had already made it. Knowing my sweet girl would be there when I awoke. I thought take it, take this piece of me that can’t seem to keep a baby alive. If I never have to lose another baby, never had to feel another soul leave my body, would it really be the worst thing? I went under not knowing and having so many questions. Turns out during the DNC, I kicked the doctor (i guess my mama instict was trying to keep that baby!) and pulled quite a muscle, no hysterectomy and I was good as new in about a month. I can laugh now at the irony of my unconscious body trying to keep a baby that it had already rejected. God has a funny way of doing things, I was ready to give up ever having another baby if he would just bring me back alive to the one who made it. I would give anything for her, any part of me.

So, here we are, “trying” again. Why? Because this beautiful man needs to daddy more babies 🙂 Because I was given a second chance to keep my uterus and maybe there’s another fighter in us, another angel just waiting to make his/her way down. This is my miracle, the one who made it. She is the perfect combination of warrior and princess.

We will need some intervention this time, and that’s okay. This is where I will document my journey. My friends like to call me “hippie nicci” so naturally I will start with natural interventions, but we will do what is necessary to grow our bunch. This is the story of our life, our natural living, beautiful life.